I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
I want to drop kick Stephanie Meyer
you spelled her name wrong
not you too!!
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
there's a barbecue in the shower. I'd like to know who got this to fit inside perfectly. impressive
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
When our dicks touched he made a lightsaber noise.
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
"Fwd: Nice to meet you last night thanks for the tit flash" no recollec. i am officially banned from wearing tube tops to the bar.
the party picked up after I got pretty drunk...I got kicked in the fucking head by a tiny lesbian...she was 5'1" I did not think she could do it...i was very wrong
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
DO IT!
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