I'll forget this but out at 4am with a lesbian model at lil waynes bday party for the record
She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
we are out of drugs. and patience. please bring former.
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
He blacked out at the first bar and passed out at the second...we just carried him to bar three and four and sat him in the lounge chairs, he said we're amazing
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
21st birthday weekend in Vegas has concluded and all I'm missing is my underwear and 'Contacts' icon on my phone home screen.
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Randomize
