oh good, I think they're gone
the painters?
my herpes
his balls ACTUALLY tasted like nuts
He has 250 profile pictures. Of course he was a douchebag
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
I'm promising sexual favors in return for his responsible life decisions. Now THIS is growing up.
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
Randomize
