No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
the party was called freshmen disorientation. i was just following the theme
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
she was rubbing her elbow against the fish tank and laughing hysterically then she said I'M THEIR FISHY GOD and watched harry potter
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize