I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
Omg Kevin Jonas is engaged!!!!!!
Omg really? To who. Gay marriage is only legal in like 3 states.
At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
Just crossed the line with my beat friends girl twinsie. Didn't realize tillz afta how much the look alike and an thougholy creeped out. Thanks ciroc
bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
Just picked up an ounce of keif and if it goes to waste before the world ends I'm gonna haunt the shit out of somebody when we all die.
We're having play-off hate sex for a sport I don't even understand. Go USA!
I peppersprayed myself last night. Sigh.
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
I'm in the ER bruh, I went skinny dipping last night and a cat fish bit my dick.
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
Randomize
