I heard it from a little bird bananas is gonna be there
Is this bird reliable bc I don't wanna be wasted running around the bar asking where bananas is
I just found out she jerks off to lesbian porn too honest to god
you wouldn't believe how perfect a match this is its scary
alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
Maybe if more guys knew my pillowtalk occasionally includes me scribbling notebook diagrams of cell signalling pathways, I'd get laid more often
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
What is the acceptable way to offer a trade of sex for a few hours of body heat?
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
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