I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
He had the smallest penis i'd ever seen. I can see why he drinks his life away.
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
Am I the only one who saw the used condom in the driveway this morning
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
Hell no. Last time I used a Slip N Slide I ended up with bruised ribs, a broken fence and the hatred of a half naked girl with a sprained wrist.
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
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