My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
College reaches a new low. We just carved a shot glass out of a potatoe.
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
I truly just stopped puking in my 730 am calculus class, looked up, corrected my professor, then resumed puking my eyes out. He was both impressed and disgusted.
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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