Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
Challenge: Try to have your balls hanging out in every picture you take tonight
Challenge Accepted
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
So, in keeping with the last two years, are we going to watch the new Hobbit movie on acid again? It's kinda starting to feel like a Christmas tradition.
We've been watching Scooby Doo and having sex for the past 36 hours, so life is great
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
