I didn't shave. On purpose
I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
she was using bread to soak up the vodka off the floor then proceeded to eat it.
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
She was throwing my stuff away and then before I knew it she was sucking my dick. It was like some fucked up sour patch kids commercial
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
Oh man, are we repeating last 4th of July?!
That shouldn't even be a question, it's a tradition now. Hope your manhood is ready.
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
I have never encountered a chode in the wild
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
We could have fun in a cardboard box. Think of the damage we could do at an amusement park!
Randomize
