Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
This should be a warning to men everywhere: do not send pictures of your erect penis to women you hardly know - they will add cats and send them to all of their friends.
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
It's not that he's ugly its just that being blind folded makes everything less awkward
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
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