i'm lost and i look like a hooker
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
The cop was more concerned with the fact I had cowboy boots on with shorts than the fact we were under age
we convincced her parents we were only wasted meanwhile theire faces were morphing into one and i swear there was a reindeer in the background
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
nope. It turned out i wasnt the drunkest person asleep in tacobell parking lot.
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
Thank you for the legal advice. I hope I can pay you in blow jobs.
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
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