So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
yes, too bad my tears were being wiped away by tits in my face
You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
is it bad i banged a 25yr kindergarten teacher last night?
No thats like a top 10
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
I just want to steal his innocence through his penis. I really do.
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
He just kept yelling cup my balls to everyone they kicked us out after 20 min
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
I supernannyed him into submission
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
You ever have a fart follow you around?
Randomize
