You kept shouting "Relax and take notes" every time before you would hit the blunt
hey sry I lost all my numbers who is this?
pat the guy you slept with
still need a last name
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
he gave me a thermos so I could take my coffee with my on drive of shame. I was unexpectedly grateful...
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
someone commented on last weekends photos impressed that so many homeless people wanted to take pictures with us. weird that those "homeless people" are our friends... right?
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
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