i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
why is it that everytime a half black man enters something boring, it suddenly becomes sexy to people? golf? the presidency?
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
so, not only did she give him head while i was asleep next to them, apparently, it was bad head...
Are you serious?
yeah... as often as she does that, you'd think she'd be good at it...
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
I have had more skin than food in my mouth the last three days
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
I don't understand why you aren't on this trip all I do is smoke weed drink beer and get fingered
ok I know you arent happy with the way we ended but paying someone to pass me an STD is TOTALLY FUCKED!!!
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
Well start with a list of things you don't want to do... Like maybe 1) I don't want join Isis. That's a good start.
Whose dick am I looking at? There are too many possibilities at the moment.
There's a Japanese guy here dressed as a Viking who just screamed "wats up cocksluts" and kicked a guy in the face. come get me out of here.
I'm getting paid to get fucked up. How much better could this get?
Randomize
