i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
woke up to find a pram in the balcony. first thing we did was look over the edge!
well,he told me "i bet you five bucks that i can right cum on the mirror with my cum" i said alright do it, lets just say he's five bucks richer...
Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
at the time fanning him with a dish tray seemed like a good idea but when we found it buried in the dirt the next morning i questioned our judgement. needless to say he still threw up even with the extra breeze.
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
Randomize
