I had a dream last night that I was the one that killed Biggie
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
Is waterboarding an exceptable way of getting sober?
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
I still havent gotten an apartment yet, so I crash random college parties...get so drunk and then sleep on their couch
I just found a tail you can wear naked. Via a butt plug. Who ever said the internet was a good thing?
Its official the day you get back into town we are having a going away to jail party for me. My last wish before prison is to shit faced drunk with you, get into a fist fight, and then cuddle up and fall asleep. Just like old times <3
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
I appreciate your acceptance of my lack of morals
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
Randomize
