Oh just a soda. I'm "driving"
after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
The freshman next to me just said "I was rocking out on my way here to Dave Matthews..." I wish I would have passed this class the first time.
I don't know what he sees in her. All I see are horrible pancake nipples
it would be a downgrade if your vagina tasted like skittles
Shower sex is an art that should not be attemted drunk
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
WE ARE DOING DRUGS AND GOING TO THE STRIP CLUB SATURDAY LADIES
i want to say his dick was in it but not his heart
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