can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
This kristen chick is fuckin nuts. She's pyscho. She's a trainwreck. She carries baggage. She's... Perfect.
literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
talked to my RA about stamps and mailmen again. when do you think she'll realize that i only talk to her when i'm high?
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
The next time i black out make sure i remove the ping pong balls from my weave. Especially before my first day of classes.
I kind of want to throw a lot of things at him. Mostly blunt, heavy objects.
Yeah he drove 30 minutes at 3 AM to come fuck me in my neighbors treehouse
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
I think my time would be better spent seducing the TA then trying to save this paper.
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