Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
side note. good thing you didn't come to drunk breakfast. we were judged by children.
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
Must be why he thought choking was foreplay. Like WTF? No.
Randomize
