Will you blow on my dice?
I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
she said i was like a little lamb and she felt bad for luring me into her den of sin. then she blew me.
Being a virgin isn't supposed to be this easy for you.
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
SORRY FOR THE CAPS. I DIDNT CHANGE IT IN TIME AND ITS TOO FAR TO GO BACK NOW. PS IM SUPER BAKED
I'm SO high. And there is so much pudding in this car
She was shaving her legs in the neighbors pool when we found her.
Where'd she get the razor?
Not the point.
Randomize
