DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
can you pick me up an extra syllabus
i passed out in the shower again
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
he kept asking me "do you love it? tell me you love it" as I was riding him.
and...?
I told him it was alright.
you were crying and trying to give advice to people.. that's was a new level of drunk for you
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
You've discovered your super power: Your Vagina
Just don't do anything stupid
i did a stupid sorry
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
Randomize
