My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
Randomize
