i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
Do you know any thirteen year old jewish kids? I'm looking for a party.
You two were too busy to notice that his used condom landed on me when he threw it.. Thanks.
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
He took my virginity but also my remaining pizza. i dont know how to feel right now.
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
Is banging someone in the national guard considered a state service or a national one?
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
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