girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
You better be making out with him cause we're sitting here with this awkward british girl watching videos of goats singing maroon five
Their first impression of me was that I was completely naked. So yeah college hasn't even started yet and I'm already that person.
just so you know.. snorkeling hungover: great decision. I was throwing up and he couldn't even tell!
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
Randomize
