Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
Elton John & Lady Gaga just did a duet on the Grammies. How appropriate. He likes cock & she happens to have one.
We made the pizza boy do Jell-o shots with us. He didn't even deliver to our house, we just called him over from the neighbors
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
Did we just second hand smoke crack?
I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
Yeah I'm just gonna stay here and spread my horniness to the world.
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
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