You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
i just saw a white kid with an afro using a martini shaker as a coffee thermos. go college.
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
You know those ponds where you go and pay $5 and your guarranteed to catch a fish thats how i describe her
ARE YOU ALIVE? usually when i say lets start drinking at inappropriate times you come right over. im worried
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
I feel like I grabbed someones dick last night, & if I didn't I'll be disappointed in myself
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
He's only done it missionary. His world is about to be rocked. Do you know what I look like from behind?
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
Nipple rings and loofahs DO NOT mix.
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
Randomize
