fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
Well, she's an atheist who is addicted to the Sims.
Who isn't?
I'm still reeling over the fact that you beat us all at Risk while you were flat on your ass drunk and falling asleep on South America.
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
She cried. My mom screams. And nut went everywhere. It was all around a bad situation.
I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
Use motel 8. I'll give you my credit card #. i'll pay for it cuz i care about your vagina.
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
Randomize
