Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
Hahah. They reconnected again?
Like with his penis I guess
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
All I remember is while we were making out M.A.A.D City came on so I pushed him off of me so I could rap along.
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
Everything is bullshit and I hate everyone
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
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