He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
She solidified the fact that the icon from Wendy's is the only ginger I care for
This is one of those times where I really wish my vagina could tell me what happened last night.
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
possibly one of my favorite moments was wiping it off your nose after you high fived a bouncer
You just kept screaming "PLEASE YELL CORNDOG AT HIM. PLEASE. CORNDOG."
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
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