saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
I feel like despite his sleaziness I could be friends with this man. he just sent me a picture of his dog's balls.
He asked if I could ever take him seriously, I told him I just like his doggy style.....needless to say I snuck out after an awkward cuddle session... I wont be calling him at 2 am anymore.
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
Randomize
