I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
i will never coherently bang her
I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
She cut off the top of a watermelon and is now eating it with a spoon. She's more than half done.
stop calling me dude. finger blasting me officially kills you being able to call me dude.
So if I tell her fire is hot and it will burn her... she's probably just going to keep throwing her vagina at it huh?
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
Plus now I feel weird sleeping with you. It's like shooting a three legged deer. It's already at a disadvantage and couldn't get what it's full potential deserves.
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize
