happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
She made a list of the things each of us had done wrong and assigned a point system. Guess who came out the loser?
this is never going to happen for me, I think he thinks I'm crazy
well you did scream "PLEASE! I'LL S YOUR D IN FRONT OF EVERYONE"
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
I cant be sure, but i think ive been drunk in this church before.
Do me a favor? If you get with him, please lick his abs. Someone has too they're just too beautiful not to.
I started rolling down the window so he pulled into a gas station and i puked all over the side of the car while some dude stared at me. I waved and we drove away
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
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