omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
She washed her feet in the sink at white castle. I want this girl in my life.
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
I don't understand why you aren't on this trip all I do is smoke weed drink beer and get fingered
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
I DEMAND FORESKIN
i just wanted have a romantic star gaze moment with him. untill he let out a massive fart.
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