Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
why do all the strippers look like they came from fraggle rock
is it mean to send ur x his condoms back because they are too small for ur new boyfriend?
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
According to last night if you on the sidewalk at 12 a|m\nYour a WHORE !
youre not allowed to be friends with girls ive double teamed. period.
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
It's acceptable to bring him back to my parents house and fuck on the couch right??
I probably shouldn't be taking relationship advice from my side piece...
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
Randomize
