Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
I wonder if they've ever made a porno about the song "she'll be comin' round the mountain when she comes"
She made a list of the things each of us had done wrong and assigned a point system. Guess who came out the loser?
you came here, splled a bunch of margaritas, hung up a picture of yourself and then left
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
I had sex with marker all over my face so I can do just about anything.
I've drank literally 19 beers and am still good. Utah is worthless
I think I used my NERF gun during sexual roleplay. Need to re-evaluate my life choices.
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
the coup got in the way of sex but inauguration day came thru we did it joe
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