I'd wear matching sweaters with you
Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
its sad that the first thing i assume is that ur trying to indirectly tell me you fucked on a breakfast table
by asking you if you bought one for the apartment?
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
So I think my aunt and her one legged boyfriend are getting it on in the next room. Traumatized does not even begin to describe what I am right now
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
Randomize