My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
dude skip the party. it is a fucking post office here
what the hell does that mean?
nothing good but a whole lotta male and packages
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
Does this mean I don't have to apologize for launching about 20 bead necklaces at you from the balcony?
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
Brandon just showed up at my place with a florida state cheerleader he met in vegas durin spring break. His life is a fucking movie
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
the walk of shame isn't very shameful when your mom tells you she's proud of you.
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