I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
dont worry it didnt get any better. she locked herself in his room and was screaming at the top of her lungs "IM GUNA PEE ON YOUR BED"
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
The main two things I remember from last night is you "spanking Katey into reality" and watching her barf in terror.
I thought you just gave him blowjobs and he criticized your drug use.
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
Randomize
