Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
fine. I googled it. you have to eat 5 to die so apparently I'm in the clear.
We went into lab today and when no one was looking i touched our cadaver's penis!
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
I just used a VHS tape as a plate for sanwich
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
She woke up, peed in the sink and then passed out again, it's only 2 in the afternoon
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
Randomize
