The guy I fucked in the port a poty just called me and asked me on a date!
Awkward!
No he was cute and I said yes!
OK...I gotta go get strawberry short cake cakes and knee pads
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
i sleep in a fine layer of vodka and semen. i don't know that that would appropriate for a pajama rally.
I don't want her to kill herself before she gets over me, getting mentioned in a suicide note isn't very fly.
but it's kind of a high honor.
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
I woke up this morning next to a stack of saltines & a txt from u saying "do it." it took me a second to remember wat was going on
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
i think she just faxed a picture of her vag from the office copy machine... i mean what kind of sexting is that... wait is that even legal???
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
Tonights mission: get trashed, smoke a bowl on top of the silo, get some dick. Not necessarily in that order.
Randomize