you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
chinese tourists just took a picture of me....im pretty sure i heard the bus drive say something about shame.
Maybe not, but you have to admit watching him get hit by the car was gratifying
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
Trying to coordinate a drug deal while taking a psych test is not easy.
The bottle of Jameson may have been a bit aggressive for a Sunday cookout.
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
Remember that time you puked in a beer pong cup while someone else was playing?
that happened
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
That's a lot of judgement coming from a man wearing a dress made from a bedsheet.
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
Randomize
