I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
I was a little curious what "unspeakable" things he could possibly do to my feet
Oh boy I hope we come out of this alive. And with clean prison records
At least his std test came back clean, gotta look at the positives here
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
i need something from you. video yourself doing naked jumping jacks and send it to me. it will make me smile
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
Basically, I am an endless fountain of unconvential sexual experiences and knowledge.
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize