rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
I understand. Hypothetically what should one do after throwing up in the shower?
i jus dunped the rest of my drink down the sink and tool my bra off. pretty sure this is the best decision for everybody.
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
I kindof just wanted to go downstairs and let his dad know how good his son was at sex
diet's not working. come over. i need someone to fuck the hungry out of me.
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize
