I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
STOP fucking him and come play in the snow with us!
How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
i spent 45 minuets spilling my heart out to him telling him i was in love with this other guy sorry. when i was done he asked me to give him a blow job. i did. i have commitment problems
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
Randomize