How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
It totally doesn't make me a groupie if I hooked up with him before he was in the Olympics
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
It was horrifying, i havent seen a girls mouth open that wide since that one episode of Goosebumps..
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
sex in a tree stand. check.
you lucky bastard
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
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