just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
making your facebook status TEQUILA is like basically saying "im easy tonight. feel free to take advantage"
I'm on a mission. But just to make out with him so his relationship collapses and he is single when I come back in April.
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
Also I feel that I would be a hell of a sled dog operator.
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
BTW he text me to text him later after the concert to hang out. Im prepping my bed but I should know I shouldn't count my dicks before they hatch
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
You got naked in his car? Or the koala suit was in his car? One of those sounds a lot less slutty than the other......
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
Randomize
