I dont like him- his parents were home and he hid me in his closet like anne frank
If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
we are all sexual creatures
yea maybe. but you're not. you're not getting any.
she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
Im going to bring a boy home tonight, and not tell him that I have my period. So when he tries to fuck me, I say no, and look really classy. Then he thinks I'm marriage material. So I give him head.
This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
hey boys, thanks for all the pictures of your dick you took with my camera last night...they were really nice to stumble upon while reliving my night in the breakroom today at work
I went to his work to give him some blankets and ended up blowing him in the bathroom. See what happens when you don't come over?
we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
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