so i replaced his speed with my ped egg shaveings
dont u have athletes foot?
You remember correctly you did get a golf cart ride out but it wasnt because you were special. You were so smashed you were screaming tiger at random golfers in the middle of there backswing.
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
It wasn't really sex. It was just rolling around, trying to make sure his dick didn't end up in my ass.
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
Randomize
