Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
she's throwing things again.. almost stabbed herself in the eye with a fork.
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
I puked up my nose. THAT kind of night
Locals got pissed I was talking to the barmaid. Tried to tell me that they keep all the good beer at "a Soho walkup" Google saved me
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
I think I puked in the middle of sex last night if that's any indication as to how drunk I was.
How drunk were you? in an effort to seduce him, you demonstrated your lap dance skillz on his dog.
It’s a prereq for med school, so I hope the professor likes blow jobs
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