peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
Haha she couldn't find her dress in the morning. So she left it. How do the hell do I discreetly return that to her at work. More importantly, how did she discreetly do the walk of shame??
I don't know what he sees in her. All I see are horrible pancake nipples
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
I kept on yelling at him to get his shit together as he was puking
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
i have pictures frm only 4 hours ago that will fucking ruin you so i suggest yuo come get me.
Where are you?
dunno. ask mike. bring pain killers. and underwear. and my dignity.
I wonder how vigorously I can jack off in a one person tent without being noticed???
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
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