He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
I just called the on campus pharmacy and asked the pharmacist to tell me how each one of my medications will react with "excess alcohol consumption". And I'm not even ashamed...I've reached a new low.
She had a belly button piercing in the shape of a cross. Talk about mixed messages.
Thanks for fingering me to orgasm during Wu-Tang Clan
I just did a walk of shame on my own block. one of the old neighbors saw and greeted me "good morning, girl next door"
The struggle bus has heated seats and stops at Dunkin on Friday mornings so I'll be okay.
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
I'm having to shit out rocks
Randomize
