I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
I have minimal recognition and a lot of burns on my tongue and my vagina hurts.
Do you remember giving me altiods and wishing me good luck on the walk home?
I found him in his pink and white boxer out side the dorm hall and the only thing he said was "it wouldn't let me in"
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
I need a genital shamwow being this wet.
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
Randomize
