i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
He brought over a 20 dollar bottle of wine. Who does that? This is college.
this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
We just took shots out of seashells. Welcome spring break 10.
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
She just. Cock slapped me. With string cheese.
Randomize
