I just put anything in between my legs and hope for the best.
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
My only regret is not throwing up on the conveyor belt in the dining hall
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
My month off booze swimsuit season diet plan is working well. Plus I'm learning so much about my house, did you know a girl named Meagan lives here?
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
I've blown him while he hit my bong, I've blown him while he played video games and now I'm looking for a new challenge. Don't even try suggesting a blumpkin.
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
But we made up last night and had unbelievably crazy sex tonight. I legit went blind for like 15mins from him choking me. It was awesome
Is there any reason why a taxidermic donkey head is in the shower?
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
Randomize
