I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
gave him road head on the way to his grandparents house. purposely didn't let him finish, the sexual tension over turkey was indescribable.
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
Can we just talk about how awesome I am. I just slept with a new guy while listening to the previous guys bands cd.
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
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