forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
I don't remember much of half-time. I do remember climbing onto the roof of the fraternity and telling people I was going to stargaze in French.
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
Thats why you dont have a "jubilant gunfire celebration"
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
woke up and somehow me leather belt got torn in half. either we partied with the hulk or some chick just could not wait to see my dick. probably the former tho
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
You just kept looking down at your tits and screaming "I LOVE YOU TWO!!!"
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
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