Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
I slept face down in the dirt because I wanted to go camping?
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
I tried to bribe him with road head and his toothbrush.
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
I haven't even booked my flights yet and I have my drug supply sorted
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
Then he started caressing my eye brow. Like repetedly. For at least 15 minutes. It was strangely mesmerizing
Just bought weed from the ice cream man. The kid in front of me got a tootie fruitie.
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
Randomize
