VAGINAS EVERYWHERE
they're staring at me
just saw Chris Hanson on the street. looked immediately around for video cameras. why is that my immediate reaction?
Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
I remember just enough about last night to wish I didn't remember anything.
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
And, omg, my eyelids are on fire. I think the internet let me down. :(
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
He texted me "sup", so I sent him that gif of the surprised guy and apparently it offended him
I just watched someone put a diaper on a cat..I'm to high for this.
Randomize
