At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
If she's not going to maintain the upkeep of her vag then I'm not going to pay the rent of being her boyfriend
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
Randomize
